黎南:卡塔赫纳

 

在卡塔赫纳,路易斯说,黎明时分的海滩是灰色的。他指着手中的G3自动步枪枪管,微微一笑说,钢灰色。沙呢,是白的,他敲了下牙齿,说,就这颜色。等太阳从右边升起,伙计,那就像慢动作的爆炸镜头,跟电影里的情景一样,先是一个大火球,接着海水闪烁,开始是灰色,然后是橙色,最后是红色。当然,路易斯一贯满口喷粪,但这小子口才确实不错,再说了,我们这帮人里,看到过加勒比海、去过卡塔赫纳的人,也就他一个。

女孩呢?埃德瓦尔多问。

路易斯一甩头,一头油腻的黑发飞向脑后。他知道我们都会等着他答话。他是我们中间年纪最大的(克洛迪娅不算,因为她是女孩),这故事已经津津有味地讲过无数遍了。

女孩嘛,他说。他很得体地看着我,表示对我的尊重。我俩经常一唱一和,拿乳臭未干的埃德瓦尔多开涮。

克洛迪娅说,等等。渔夫。跟我们讲讲渔夫吧——

女孩嘛,路易斯不接克洛迪娅的话茬,说道,那可是全哥伦比亚最棒的。裙子到这儿,跟MTV里一样,靴子到这儿,才不像在乡下,自卫队单为这身穿着就会叫她们吃枪子儿。她们个子高高的,皮肤白白的,牙齿美极了,讲起话来有滋有味。跟咱们这儿太不一样了。

路易斯顿了一下。他最近蓄了胡子,粗粗一看,像用湿炭画上去的。这会儿,他正用拇指和食指捋胡子。我突然想起一部电影中的台词。

我说,瞧你那一嘴胡子,像个臭同性恋。埃德瓦尔多哈哈大笑。要说吃枪子儿,凭你那一头长发,才该吃呢。

路易斯不理会我,慢吞吞说,在卡塔赫纳,什么都跟咱们这儿不一样。

算上克洛迪娅,我们一共是五个人,正要进城帮路易斯办点事。除了我、路易斯、克洛迪娅、埃德瓦尔多,还有个小家伙佩德罗,他远远跟在大家后面,双手插在破裤子的口袋里,好随时摸蛋蛋玩。他这臭事儿我们已经不觉得好笑了。

过去四个月来,除了克洛迪娅,我没见过他们之中任何人。只有克洛迪娅知道这段时间我呆在什么地方;她昨天才告诉我今天的事。我不想来,但她说路易斯非让我来不可。

跟我记忆中的样子相比,他们全都显得年轻。只有佩德罗长大了点——他看上去像是被谁揪住一把头发,往上抻了两英寸。我等他赶上来,对他说,呃,你差不多是个大人了!

问问他小鸡鸡那儿长毛没有,埃德瓦尔多说。

佩德罗的手还是放在口袋里,并不接茬。

瞧,他还在摆弄那玩意儿呢!

得了,路易斯说。他好像有点心烦意乱。克洛迪娅在暗自发笑。我扭过头不看她。

办今天这样的事,通常会有更多人参加,但我们原先的团伙,至少是核心成员吧,最近少了三个。卡洛斯在波布拉多公园外面被人朝喉咙上开了一枪:那天晚上,他正卖巴苏克[1]给几个可卡因瘾君子,一帮有钱小子乘一辆黄色吉普车赶来,把他给干掉了。萨勒西奥投奔他哥哥,加入了地方民兵,寄回来一张照片,头戴只露出面部的大绒帽,一只手拿了把乌兹冲锋枪,另一只握着.45口径贝勒塔手枪。哪怕有黑绒布遮着,都能看到他脸上愚蠢的笑容。

然后还有赫尔南多。此刻我都不愿意想起赫尔南多。

镇子边上,山脊底部有个垃圾场,我们在那里停下脚步。一条窄窄的水沟从垃圾中流过。佩德罗和克洛迪娅不发一言,各自找了个位置望风。路易斯和埃德瓦尔多双脚跨在水沟上,把沟里堆积的模压纸板和塑料垃圾清除干净。不一会儿,好几个月前我们从一辆公共汽车上偷来的一个尼龙三座椅就露了出来。路易斯和埃德瓦尔把座椅往前一拉,便露出一个挺大的混凝土涵洞,水就是往里面流的。我在外面放哨,他们一个接一个钻进洞里。

这是我们秘密会合的一个老地点,只有我们五个知道。它本身是暴雨排水沟的一个支沟,但气味跟污水管没什么两样。幸好里面一团漆黑。

那边,我说。

埃德瓦尔多和佩德罗朝我指的方向走去,用手机屏幕的蓝光照路。走到一个齐腰高的壁架,他俩拉开厚厚的防水遮布,佩德罗发出一声欢呼,又立即掩住嘴。叫声在潮湿的混凝土之间回响。

路易斯咧嘴笑了。他说,四个月不见,你小子一回来就觉得挺牛逼吧。他乐得嘴都合不上。这些全是你的?

寄存的,我说。

手榴弹,他说,拿起几个在手里掂分量,像掂水果似的。一只崭新的AR-15。还有这些?

格洛克9毫米手枪。你的.38可以扔掉了。

我听说.45更好。

看起来像玩具枪,克洛迪娅在黑暗中嘟哝。

太棒了,路易斯对我说,咧着的嘴还没合上。太棒了。神父够慷慨的。

除了路易斯的G3,我们还拿了一把柯尔特,两把别的手枪。因为是路易斯要办事,我没问枪支是拿得太多呢,还是没拿够。佩德罗还是个孩子,负责扛子弹袋。他坚持要拿一两个手榴弹。以防万一,他说。

万一什么?埃德瓦尔多很不屑。万一目标躲在一辆哥伦比亚革命武装力量[2]的坦克中?

终于到达要去的地段时,天已经快黑了。身处陌生地界,我有点忐忑不安,要知道一天中,这个时段是最难识别目标的。对路易斯我也有点恼火,因为他半路上还跑去查电子邮件。路易斯对我也恼火,因为我跟他说可以乘公共汽车去,而他回答说,没门儿,傻逼,公共汽车不走那个方向,可正说着,就看见一辆绿色公共汽车从我们身边开过。街道又窄,车差点没把我们撞倒。所有人都对埃德瓦尔多很恼火,因为他没躲开一堆新鲜狗屎。

你肯定事先查勘过了?我问路易斯。

操你妈,他说。我虽然不坐办公室,可也不是个小屁孩。

目标没人罩着?

听听你满嘴的行话,埃德瓦尔多说。目标没人罩着

天几乎完全黑了,所有东西化为褐色和灰色的不同形状。我们经过砖房,混凝土板块房,木头和塑料房。人们的面孔融入各自房子所使用的建筑材料中。街头有小孩在路边搜寻食物;有的捂着超级市场购物袋吸浅黄色的傻柯[3],眼睛半睁着,动物似的一眨不眨。我们经过无人照看的货摊、剩下半车货物的手推车、时租旅馆,然后看不到房子了,再往前是一条被遗弃的铁道,跟一座悬崖的边沿平行。跨过铁轨,我们低头往下看,只见道路陡然下行,通往一个峡谷,峡谷里乱七八糟摆放着竹竿、撕裂的防水布、成百上千个纸盒子。这就是我们的目的地:纸板城。

路上碰到的几个居民对我们不闻不问。走过几条照明不良的沟渠,我们来到东北角。蜡烛和煤气灯光后面,一张张脸的影子在晃动。路易斯把手指头放在嘴唇上,指了指巷子尽头一个棚屋。他猫着腰往前走。黄黄的煤气灯光从纸板缝隙中泄漏出来。走近些,我看见一个黑人仰躺着,嘴里嚼着带糖衣的红色油炸圈饼。路易斯抓住他的头发,一下子把他翻了个身。如果这就是我们要找的人,那路易斯的查勘活儿干得真不错。目标的年纪看来比我们所有人都大,包括16岁的克洛迪娅。他肤色很深,比我还黑,满身汗水被煤气灯照得油光光的,嘴上还沾着糖屑。路易斯一只靴子踩着目标的半边脸,伸手从裤子里掏冲锋枪。他皱起眉头,原来弹夹卡在腰带上了,这是G3常出的毛病。新手才会犯这种错误。埃德瓦尔多跪下去,按着目标的双腿。

你说,谁是狗日的?路易斯说。他的嗓音很轻,带着气声,他一激动就会这样。

你就是,傻逼,目标尖声叫道。他撮起嘴唇要啐,但没啐成。

克洛迪娅也走过来,俯下身子;没有站的地方了。煤气灯很热,我们全都汗流浃背。路易斯终于从裤子中拔出了冲锋枪,把枪管塞进目标的眼窝。

要马上干掉这家伙吗?他说。他看着我。克洛迪娅和埃德瓦尔多也看着我。佩德罗在纸板城边上望风。

有一会儿工夫我惊呆了。杀人从来不是我们团伙干的事,要不,在我离开这四个月里,这方面的情况也变了?也许他们是看我坐了办公室,想震我一下。也许他们叫我来就是为了这个。

要马上干掉他吗?路易斯又问。他的声音很严厉——听上去,他真在等我回答。

他犯的什么罪?

路易斯沉默了。他提起枪,在纸板房顶下猫着腰,往这边迈两步,又往那边迈两步。目标在泥地上扭着头,第一次往上看。他看到抓着他腿的埃德瓦尔多,然后是克洛迪娅,然后是路易斯。他看到路易斯的手搭在扳机护弓上发抖。

他犯过很多罪,路易斯说。其中一条,是管我妈叫狗娘养的。

我根本不认识你,目标立刻说。他朝我这边扭动身子,一边说,我可是有人罩着的。随便问谁好了。

我瞟了路易斯一眼,他咧了下嘴。

目标扭到面对路易斯的方向,又看着他的手。他开口时,声音低低的,有点诡秘。你在干什么呀?他咕哝着。煤气灯照射下,他的脸放着光。你我都清楚,你并不是个杀手。

路易斯粗粗喘着气,双手抓住G3,把枪管塞到目标嘴里。我能听到金属枪口磕到目标牙齿的咔哒声。

问问他谁是狗娘养的,我说。不觉间,我想起四天前,面对我手中的格洛克手枪时,那张沉静的脸。要是问那个人谁是狗娘养的,他会怎样回答?

目标大叫,要我说什么,我都可以告诉你!他不再充硬汉,战士更说不上了。因为嘴被撬得半开,他的话含糊不清——看他动嘴的样子,就像克洛迪娅的疯子妈妈。求你们了,他说。

你还不明白?路易斯叫道。他一头黑发汗津津地闪着光。

目标嘴半张着,在地上摇头。对不起,他低沉沙哑地说。

对不起什么?不准说我要你说的!

我们都看着路易斯。

你得自己想说我要你说的。

好吧,小伙子。

好吗?

好吧,小伙子。

你该做什么?路易斯把枪从目标嘴里拿出来,放到他脸颊上。

我要说你要我说的——

路易斯的眉头皱得更紧了。

我的意思是,我自己就想说你要我说的,我会——

你是什么?路易斯打断他。

目标花了一秒钟才明白。我是狗日的,他说。

什么样的狗?

烂狗。母狗。脏兮兮、浑身跳蚤、谁都能上的母狗。

还有呢?

我是只又丑又蠢的狗,样子像病得快死的耗子,气味像狗屎……

你也会吃自己的屎,对不对?

这会儿路易斯听起来就像我最近在城里看的一部美国电影中的黑帮分子。连脸上的讥讽表情都一样。

会的,会的。目标抓起脸旁边一小块红色油炸圈饼,在泥地上揉揉,塞进嘴里。克洛迪娅转过身子。真搞不懂哪些事女孩子受得了,哪些又受不了。

远远传来一阵铃声。我走到一处纸板缝隙,看佩德罗有没有发现什么情况。过了一小会儿他摇摇头,尖着嗓子叫道,推车,运汽油的。

路易斯说,还有什么?

目标嘴里塞满泥土,说道,我是条狗,吃自己的屎,喝自己的尿,还——

但他没来得及说完这堆乱七八糟的话,因为路易斯抡起G3一挥,铝合金枪托砸在目标头上。我听到轻轻一声闷响。路易斯显得很吃惊,但只有短短一小会儿;过后,他来回摇着一根指头,好像父母在责骂孩子。

他说,算你运气好,傻逼,碰上我这些富有同情心的朋友。他往流血的头旁边啐了一口。下一次,可别指望他们还那么有同情心了。

你把他头打破了,克洛迪娅说,他听不见你的话。她半弯着腰,在目标上面忙乎什么——起先我以为她是俯身检视他的伤口——但她干的事让我瞠目结舌:她往后一仰,狠命踢了目标一脚,正中胸口。跪着的埃德瓦尔多也站起身,学她的样踢目标。目标看起来还活着,挨踢时,他的腿会左右摇动。

路易斯用G3指了指目标,对我说,肯定不要干掉他吗?

他们全看着我。温暖的黄色灯光下,几个人圆滚滚的脸涨得通红。我觉得不对劲,这帮家伙怎么这样乐意杀人?就我所知,他们中间没一个干过杀人勾当。今天这事儿肯定跟个人恩怨有关。

离开时,路易斯捡起一个装了两个油炸圈饼的塑料袋。饼上的糖衣有绿色和黄色两种。给佩德罗的,他生硬地解释。佩德罗喜欢这种垃圾。

外面,已经完全入夜。在公共汽车站,我又问了路易斯一次,那家伙的罪行是什么。

一笔巴苏克交易,他说。或者大麻。我忘了。

我记得你说过是一局扑克,埃德瓦尔多说。

闭嘴,路易斯说。闭嘴,你这蠢货。

***

我叫胡安·帕布洛·梅伦德兹,已经在我母亲住处躲藏了四天。小时候,有次我心血来潮,一气喝下整整一瓶小瓶装的麦德林朗姆酒,紧跟着又喝下一瓶,居然没吐,打那以后人们就叫我“朗姆”了。

我是个杀手,以行刺为业。我当杀手有四个月了。照我的代理人“神父”的说法,我其实是个战士,在为事业而战。可是,不是事业,而是我的双手,已经实实在在把14个人送上了西天,另外还有两个很可能也是在我手下丢的性命。作为回报,神父在我们镇上给了我一栋房子,我一个人住;他每月还付我80万比索,此外,每干掉一个人再加30万。这些钱里面,每月我至少交40万给母亲,她会为我的不良行为向上帝祈祷,但钱照收不误,要知道药物、衣服、有线电视等等,样样都得花钱啊。她从不问我钱从何而来。

人们管这种职业叫“坐办公室的”,因为杀手总是守候在电话机旁。在麦德林[4],谁要是能“坐办公室”,那就风光到家了。

我的代理人名叫扎维埃——我不知道他姓什么,因为所有人都叫他神父。我从未见过他。据说他是个大块头,浅色皮肤,25岁左右。据说他是麦德林地区唯一获准拥有私人军队的代理人。我不清楚他为谁效力,但从他下令执行的刺杀类型来看,明显跟贩毒有关。

神父声名赫赫。据说,他才六岁时,一天晚上游击队闯进他家,杀死他父亲,先奸后杀他母亲,而整个过程中,他一直躲在床底下。据说他记住了凶手脚的形状和声音、气味,后来逐个追杀,为双亲报了仇。据说他允许每个仇人最后再祷告一次,等祷告说到一半,再从他们身后一刀割断喉咙。“神父”这个绰号,就是这么来的。

另一个传闻更加精彩,说是十年前,他一个朋友刺杀国家队后卫埃斯科巴时,他也在场。埃斯科巴在世界杯中犯下滔天大罪,踢进了一个乌龙球。根据传闻,过了段时间他把这位朋友也给杀了,原因是朋友弄洒了酒。干掉如此大名鼎鼎的杀手确实非同小可,但原因却是那么微不足道的失敬——简直可说是“为鸡毛蒜皮杀人”——就有点令人难以置信了。据说神父名下的冤魂有好几百。

我已经为神父效力了四个月,是个好杀手,忠心的战士,从未使他失望过——直到四天前。四天前,他派我执行一桩任务,而我没把目标干掉。当然,我找的理由,他根本不要听。

按照惯例,三天前他给我打电话,确认任务已顺利完成。

你好,我说,起身走到外面,不让正在看电视的母亲听到。当然我没跟母亲说过我呆在她那里是要躲人。到了街上,我对神父说,没找到目标。

电话那头沉默了一会儿。你没找到目标,他说。他声音很轻,好像患感冒刚好:也许情报不准确。有时会出现这种情况……情报不准确。

事情发生已经一整天,我却始终没想出一个更好的借口。

我说,也许最好等到星期天。谁都知道星期天是行刺的最好时机,因为目标通常都在家。

给你下了命令昨天下手的。

没找到目标,我又撒谎。也许目标星期天会在。

我们还没见过面,对吧,朗姆?

对的,先生。

你一直是个好战士,他说。我想该见见面了。两天后吧

好的,先生。

我会打电话告诉你细节。

好的,先生。

我不是涉世未深的黄毛小儿。我14岁又两个月了,知道我们这行的规矩。杀手和代理人是不该碰面的。我知道被传唤了。

***

我跟路易斯一帮人办完事回到家,母亲正坐在黑黢黢的房间里看美国肥皂剧。关上前门时,我飞快扫了一眼街上。

我帮她打开灯。黄黄的灯光下,只见她还化着妆,穿着出门的衣服。我看了她一会儿,她一直盯着电视屏,眼睛都不眨,脸上的专注令我安心。

你的朋友来电话了,她说,脸还是冲着电视机。那是台40英寸的索尼,卡洛斯卖给我们时,几乎还是新的。

是克洛迪娅吗?

我都写下来了,她说,做了个含糊的手势。屏幕上,一个大嘴唇的白种女人抱着胳膊正在哭。我抓住母亲一只手,学老电影的样,做了个献殷勤的亲吻动作。她手上有鱼和指甲油的气味。

啊亲爱的!我提高嗓门,用英语说,回到我身边吧,因为我……怀上了……咱俩私情的种子!后面半句我是用西班牙语讲的,好让她听懂。

她嘘了一声,挥手叫我滚开,恰好屏幕上开始打广告,于是她半转过身来说,你觉得我该把头发染得再黄一点吗?

为什么要那么做,亲爱的妈妈?

我不知道,她说。也许可以让我显得年轻些。

年轻些?你已经显得够年轻了。大街上,人们都不以为你是我妈妈。他们以为你是我姐姐。母亲听我这么说过,但面孔还是放出光来。我继续说:他们问我,她是你姐姐吗?而我说,你开玩笑吧?

傻瓜!她叫道。我走进厨房,从大罐子里拿了些糖块。你该学学你的朋友,扎维埃,她大声说。

扎维埃?

我觉得肚子里一紧。当你走进一个房间,握着枪准备射击,却发现目标不在时,肚子就会这么一紧。我心想,这消息早该料到的,干吗还吃惊,你这傻瓜?

他在电话上真有风度。你这位朋友是什么人?他说你有我这样一位母亲很幸运。

他这么说啦?

我往糖块里加了些牛奶,连几块薄脆饼干一起端给她。得再买些蜡烛,她心不在焉地说。说是今晚又要停电。

扎维埃说什么啦?我放下碟子问道,但广告结束了,母亲又沉浸到肥皂剧中。

我捡起放在电话旁边的纸条。妈妈把地址写在上面了,字体很大,少女般的笔迹。对我来说却像天书。我把纸条揣到上衣口袋里,心还因为刚听到的消息怦怦乱跳。我俯身在椅子上,吻了吻母亲的额头。

来到门外,我赶了辆公共汽车到奥雷斯。克洛迪娅的家在半山腰上,是栋漆成蓝色的混凝土老房子。

我走进她家,她从那扇大窗户转过身来,对我说,晚上好,帅哥。这会儿我已经平静些了。夜晚的空气让我凉了下来。克洛迪娅走过来,抬起手,几乎要碰到我的面孔,然后又垂下去。她知道我不喜欢别人触摸头部。

咱们去公园,她说,语气像提问。

我点点头,一直看着她。她身后,窗户上的裂缝比她整个身体还大,黑黑的开口有点异样的美丽;在这座城市,难得见到一扇窗户没用护栏或格栅钉死。窗户外面,直落20米,是布满泥土、石头和垃圾的沼泽地。

我们一起爬上山坡。夜晚的空气凉爽、清新。我一直想着克洛迪娅家的窗户,本来安了玻璃的,有一天她母亲从市场上回家,使劲把玻璃窗格反着往后拉,铰链都拉断了,她爬上窗台,直直地站在上面,然后跳了下去。即便那样,也只摔烂了右半边身体。

到地方了。天色很暗。我带克洛迪娅来过,之后她就把这儿当成我俩共有的地方了,但我其实更乐意自己一个人来。这地方很高,俯瞰我们镇子,电缆还没铺到,坡顶周围长着一丛丛针茅草,风从四面八方吹来。最近,我天天来这里,坐在长草中,有时喝点酒,有时吸点巴苏克。从这里,可以看到深深的狭长峡谷,麦德林城坐落其中,四周群山环抱。我看到叫不出名字的街巷,纵横交错的大路小道。晚上,能看到街灯打开,一个个四方格子渐次点亮,到了山腰,加速向周围扩散,直到环绕麦德林城的所有镇子闪烁发光,像夜空的星座。

今晚也是这样,世界颠倒过来,星星在脚下,头上的天空却像大地。

那么,你真的要去卡塔赫纳?克洛迪娅问。

对。

为什么?

为什么?我心想,去看大海。但我说,你想跟我说什么?我今晚有重要事情。

什么重要事情?

没有理由不告诉她。我说,我要见代理人。

那么,是真的了。你被传唤了。

我默不做声。周遭无数蟋蟀在鸣叫,再远处,人群和机器发出噪音,在我耳中像是海浪的拍击。只要隔得够远,什么听着都像大海。

北站有去托鲁的公共汽车,克洛迪娅说。

我摇摇头。

我知道赫尔南多的事,她说。谁都知道。

你知道什么?

她张嘴要说什么,却又打住了。然后她说,取他命的合同。你的代理人下的。

你真的都知道啊,我说。

我仔细观察克洛迪娅的脸,她表情坚定,是张战士的脸,两片薄嘴唇中叼了根香烟。

我得跟代理人请假去,我解释道。要不他会找上我母亲。

她好吗?

我母亲吗,我心想,我还以为她躲的地方没人知道呢。她挺高兴我回到家里,我说。这次回家,我呆了整整四天,但今天去纸板城办事不算。我继续观察克洛迪娅。

克洛迪娅不接我的茬,反而说,你呢——你感觉如何?

这种问题,只有女孩子才问得出来。

感觉?我说。

其实她问得有道理。别的夜晚不说,今晚我确实应该有所感觉。要是你问我,没错,我是吓坏了,也挺难过,但有这感觉的人好像又不是我。说真的,我坐在这里,不知道该有什么样的感觉。惊恐之下,我已经麻木了。说真的,我到这儿来,就是想无所感觉。

她上一回问我感觉如何,是六个月前在大众公墓卡洛斯的葬礼上。那是我们团伙中头一次有人死去。每个人都认为他死得很利落。当时,站在他墓前,我同样不知道自己是什么感觉。墓穴那么小——他这人个子本来就不大,虽说在我们所有人中,就数他腿上和胸口的毛最多。当时我脑袋中有好多声音。一个声音说,你该哭,另一个说,我想哭,而在两个声音后面,我能看到我自己、坟堆上的新土、那束假花、一排排墓碑上高高低低的圣母玛丽亚和天使小雕像;我能听到鸟儿歌唱,闻到缅栀花香,然后感到眼泪涌上来,假眼泪,同时,好像透过磨光玻璃,清楚地看到自己身体和双手的动作。

现在跟那时一样;我在观察自己,但看到的是个不同的人。

要不要来点巴苏克?克洛迪娅问道,手伸到包里。

我得走了,我对她说。

那我跟你一起走,她说。

***

女孩。你有要事在身,她们却让你分心,就像路易斯说的,有时,在一个女孩的两腿之间行动,比在陌生地界一座桥下行走还危险。至于克洛迪娅,我们经常一起做事,仅此而已。我喜欢她,但实话实说,我不会称她为朋友。迄今为止只有一个人我称为朋友,那就是赫尔南多。

如果说我们团伙有头儿的话,过去的头儿就是赫尔南多,虽然没人肯承认这一点。(特别是路易斯,他跟赫尔南多年纪一般大。)那时我们人还多些,也许有15个,赫尔南多负责安排秘密会合地点,跟饭店和市场里的摊贩接洽用食物换取我们保护。他派小小孩清洗汽车车窗、擦皮鞋、照看汽车、表演扔弯刀、卖东西等等。对大一些的孩子,则组织他们偷香烟、花、口香糖,拿给小小孩去卖。只有少数人参与正儿八经的抢劫。我们只为自己干活。我从赫尔南多身上学到很多东西——如何安排搭档,何时穿上私校校服,如何发现目标,例如去自动取款机取钱的外国佬,他们会把钱塞到脏袜子里,再把袜子放在洗衣袋中。我是团伙中年纪较大的,这些事大都跟他一起干。

旁人不在场时,他跟我讲话的态度有所不同。有时,他喜欢看人们做事,特别是在人多的地方,本来这种时候是应该寻找下手目标的。有一次,午饭时分,在一个广场上,他指着市场里守货摊的一个农夫,然后又指着建筑工地上的一个工人,问我觉得他们快乐不。

我不知道。

那些呢?

我看看他指的地方。

他们可能要快乐些,我半开玩笑地说。

呸!他朝枯干的草上啐了一口。看身上的西装,对,他们是更有钱。他转身再看那个又黑又瘦的建筑工人,大热天里正慢吞吞干着活儿。他想了一会儿,始终皱着眉头,然后说,但是,用双手工作,并且跟别人一起工作,那才是真正的工作。他又往地上啐了一口。我曾听别人说,他父亲是西部乡下的农夫,但我俩从不谈彼此的过去。

工作也许并不能让人快乐,他说,但至少是光荣的。

赫尔南多的与众不同,由此也可见一斑。团伙里大多数人关心的是买新东西,赫尔南多却跟我谈快乐和光荣,甚至谈政治,谈跟金钱无关的未来。

然后,我们成为朋友的一天到来了。那天,大家在城边的一个公园踢足球。赫尔南多球踢得不错,他踢球时,就像一座跑动中的铜像。有人把球踢到了场外。球飞得老远,滚到一个人脚边,那人骑在一辆停着的摩托车上。他下了车,摘掉太阳镜,飞起一脚把球踢得老远,却不是往公园,而是朝另一个方向,踢向滚滚车流。

追球的是赫尔南多。我跟在他屁股后面,本想悄悄告诉他我刚想出来的一个赢球策略。

你干什么呀?赫尔南多朝那人叫道。

嘿,傻逼!那人说。你怎么没在干活儿啊?生活有那么清闲吗?

你干吗把球踢飞,赫尔南多说。

我是在帮你忙。那人停了一下,扭头往后看。这时我才明白他还有同伴,一个穿制服的警察,也骑在一辆摩托车上。

过来,警察对赫尔南多说。他在笑。头一个人也笑起来。

赫尔南多毫不犹豫走上前去。他只穿着裤子,往坐着的警察身边一站,汗津津的身体显得高大有力。我看着他们,什么也没说。

你敢跟我们社区的商界领袖顶嘴?警察兴冲冲地说。他解开手枪套。赫尔南多一动不动。转过身去,警察说。到了局里,再去接着顶吧。

我看着警察把赫尔南多铐上。突然,我的手臂从背后被人拧住——原来,另外那人悄无声息走了过来——接着,冰凉的金属在我手腕上咔哒一响。那人把我领到摩托车旁,让我脸朝后坐在他身后。他身上有股酒味。

摩托车开动了,我缩在那人背后,努力保持平衡。公园越来越小——踢球的人一个也看不到了——但我看不出车是往哪里开。

赫尔南多的车在前面,我看不见他。手铐卡进我手腕的肉里。不久,我明白了,我们离麦德林城区越走越远,而不是去警察局。过了一会儿,我们向西爬上一座小山,爬得越高,越觉得热。

那人说了句什么,风大,我没听清。

我们拐到一条没有房子的路上。摩托车慢了下来。

跳!有人叫道。是赫尔南多。我不假思索向一侧偏过身子想跳下车,但裤子被链条挂住了。摩托车滑到右边,我滚下山坡,手仍然铐在背后。我听见一两声枪响。我继续往下滚,直到地面变得平坦。头伤得很厉害。过了好一会儿,有人用靴子顶住我,把我翻了个身,脊背朝天。我等着枪响。此刻,我能闻到的只有土地,还有草,它们的气味比我过去闻过的任何东西都浓烈。我等着。可是枪声没有响起,然后,有人打开我的手铐摘了下来。是赫尔南多,他扶我站起来。血从他右边腋窝渗出。他把我带到长满草的山坡上,抓我的商人就躺在那里,被压在摩托车下面,一只脚反着弯过去,几乎碰到屁股。赫尔南多递给我一把手枪。

这是商人的枪,他说。

警察呢?我问。

你那腐败朋友玩完了,赫尔南多朝那商人咆哮,好像提问的不是我,而是商人。

商人在呻吟。他嘴边的肉显得松弛。我当时不知道——现在知道了——那是恐惧的表现。

你必须干,赫尔南多说。他像哥哥般看着我。他说,朗姆,你必须干,干了,我们就患难与共了。

我接过枪,握在手里,枪意想不到的温暖、沉重,发出的气味,像在一间黑屋子里划了根火柴。我用枪指着那人的头。他的太阳镜破了,挂在一只耳朵上,碎镜片映着下午的阳光,闪闪发亮。我瞄准他耳朵中心黑乎乎的部位开了枪。

过了一会儿,我转过身去。摩托车被商人摔断的下半身压住了,我试着把摩托车扶起来。我感到身轻如燕,好像吸进的每一口空气都在体内膨胀开来。然后我记起一件事。

那警察。你怎么——

赫尔南多发出一声短促的笑,像打嗝似的。他弯着膝盖,仿佛要坐到一把看不见的椅子上,然后一屁股坐在地上。突然间,他变得像个醉汉。

那傻逼停了车,赫尔南多说,因为手铐贴着他的背,弄得他很不舒服。可他又不肯让我转过来,跟他面对同一个方向——他说他可不想让一个同性恋在背后擦他。赫尔南多又打了个嗝。结果,他把我的手铐在前面。到了坡顶,我就这么给他来了一下。

赫尔南多头往后一仰,高高抬起双臂,举过头顶。我看到他右边腋窝上的破口,一定是手铐绕过警察的脸套住警察喉咙时,警察用指甲挖的。

我看着他苍白的脸,他又笑了一声。在我体内,空气像傻柯般让我陶醉。帮我把车扶起来,我说。但他看也不看摩托车,仍然坐在草地上,半裸身子,紧紧抱住双腿。

我也是一样,他说。也是我的头一回。他皱起眉头,直勾勾瞪着前方,脸白得像只塑料袋。然后他脸色改变,好像马上要吐。紧跟着脸又变了,他露出微笑,但笑容只停在嘴边。

终于,我把摩托车扶起来,立在侧支架上。我们得走了,我说。你坐我背后吧。

他点点头。我扶他站起来,坐到车上。下山的一路上,他紧紧抓着我,好像头一回搭车的女孩。

***

那以后,赫尔南多和我成了朋友,但除此以外,当然还有其他变化。杀了一个警察、一个商界领袖,不可能再指望街头帮伙来保护你。

神父通过一个黑人找到了我,我认识那人,但不知道他是神父的手下。神父说,他可以保护我。他会让我脱离街头帮伙,就像让别的孩子脱离洋葱菜园一样,但他会让我比种洋葱的孩子高出一截:我可以坐办公室。我身上有种不平常的力量,他在电话上说。我可以回到自己的镇子,凭我的新身份,安全不成问题。我们很相像,他说。我们都是战士,干该干的事,而且都在哥伦比亚的冲突中失去了父亲。他说,我将成为你的恩主。

与此同时,赫尔南多从我们团伙中消失了。杀警察令他声誉大增,我们都猜想他躲起来了。可是,几个星期后,有人报告说在城里看到他参加外国佬组织的活动,在公园里演话剧,向公众宣传如何与暴力、毒品、贫困作斗争。

我找到他,告诉他我的新工作,并说可以请求我的代理人让他也坐办公室,或者,至少雇用他当战士。这是什么狗屁地方?我说,指着他那连个窗户都没有、涂着白色灰泥的房间,屋里塞满一摞摞硬纸板和纸张,有股浓浓的漂白剂气味。赫尔南多坐在一个刮痕累累的钢制写字台后面,身后挂着一幅招贴,上面有支枪,枪管已经熔化,底下写着一行字:就这个,让你成为男人?

忘掉这一切吧,我说。你可以重新开始。我的代理人能把你的警方记录洗白。

赫尔南多盯着我看了好一会儿。他头发剪短了,脸好像也变了样,显得疲惫、柔和。终于,他开了口:这么说,你坐办公室了。这活儿怎样?

我告诉他一切:工资、福利、武器。镇子里人们的尊重。他用心听着,然后靠到椅背上,久久地闭上眼睛。我坐下来,看着他,奇怪他整天在这房间里都干些什么。他显得老相。

可是这活儿到底怎样?他最后又问道。

我这才明白,他问的是杀人的事。当时,还没派过任务给我,他这一问,让我有点下不来台。小菜一碟,我说。

谁是你的代理人?

我告诉他。

他又沉默了。

怎么啦?

你一定要听我的话,朗姆。这个绰号“神父”的人,是个危险的家伙。

我哈哈大笑,心想他在开玩笑。

听我的话。

他当然危险啦。他是个传奇人物。

不错,赫尔南多说,语速放得很慢。但即便如此,在这场游戏中,神父也只是个小人物。赫尔南多突然身子前倾,钢制写字台在他身体的重压之下晃动起来。听着,朗姆,你一定不能再干。你一定得辞掉坐办公室的工作。

你在开玩笑吧,对吗?

我为他害臊。看到赫尔南多的那个黑人怎么说来着?赫尔南多一副农民样子,劝他回学校上课,要不然就会成为永无尽头的暴力文化之下的牺牲品。听到这话,那黑人拍着巴掌,反过来劝赫尔南多回到他新结识的同性恋朋友身边去。听黑人讲这话时,我掩饰着心中的不安。在我们团伙中,以前从未有人敢这样对赫尔南多说话。

是你的外国佬朋友告诉你的?

干吗要外国佬,我自己不能看吗。赫尔南多的目光从我身上移开。在有些事情上,这些外国佬还是对的。例如对神父的看法。他只不过是毒枭们的一条走狗。杀害无辜者来保护有钱人,他就是这种人。

他们才不是无辜者,我马上说。他从街头帮伙中清除的那些人,都是你所谴责的。我差点没说是“我”所谴责的。赫尔南多的话影响了我。我让自己的呼吸平静下来。你根本不认识神父,就这么说他,凭什么。

他也找过我,赫尔南多说。

我俩有一会儿谁都没开口。他的衣服褪了色,这里一个洞,那里一个口子;左脚的鞋,脚趾处也开裂了。意识到自己的一身名牌,我不由得有点不自在:耐克刺客球鞋,阿迪达斯吸汗快干运动上衣,面料是带网孔的清风系列

你要是在公共场合这样乱说,太危险了。

赫尔南多仿佛自言自语,柔声说道,谁也不应该干你干的那种事。他站起来,绕着写字台踱步子。

他们付你钱吗?你工作的地方,搞宣传活动的机构?

赫尔南多微笑。他的微笑凝聚在嘴角,给人忧郁的感觉。我在这里很快乐,他说。

我能帮你。我都挣了快一百万比索了。

你是我的兄弟,他简洁地说,我希望你平安无事。他皱了下眉头,好像在琢磨怎样才能表达清楚他的想法。我们无法彼此帮助,朗姆。也许太晚了。但也许,你还能帮助你的家人。

也许你该离开这城市,我说。

他又微笑了,然后俯身拥抱我。也许吧。

第二个星期,我通过一位代理,在临近波布拉多的镇子买了座房子,把母亲悄悄搬了过去。打那以后,我再没跟赫尔南多说过话,直到四天前,我接到神父的指令,刺杀赫尔南多。

***

在我们从前住的地方,我9岁、母亲24岁那年,有一次连续下了一星期又两天的雨。学校停课了——雨太大,路上的烂泥齐腰深,人们困在屋里,哪儿也去不了。第十天雨停了,大伙儿觉得像过节。人们在外面闲逛,好像有生以来头一回出门,太阳暖暖地照在身上,草木的颜色变得比平时深,陌生人的面孔像水果一样闪闪发亮。就在这段时间,一支民兵队伍在东方大街上设立路障,在通往我们镇子的出口处劫持了一辆公共汽车。暴徒强奸了两位妇女,杀死了我父亲,把尸体和他的吉他扔到我学校外面一条小巷里。报上说,有几个劫持者是警察助理。

两个穿制服的人来到我们家,腋窝湿漉漉的,皮鞋上溅满污泥。当然,那时我们已经知道发生了什么事。母亲问:“他们把吉他摔坏了?”

怎么啦?其中一个人问。你要吗?他很吃惊的样子。也许——

他同伴脸上的表情让他住了嘴。

晚上又下起了雨,雨很大,夜幕降临前,空气是一种灰不灰绿不绿的混合体。一两位邻居前来拜访——母亲在前门跟他们温和地交谈几句——然后就没人再来了。整晚,母亲一句话也不说,而我不知道该想些什么。她坐在大房间的褐色地毯上,灯也不开,身旁放着父亲的笔记和乐谱。厨房的煤气灯光照得她的脸走了形。好几个钟头,我坐在父母床上,卧室门敞开,我看着母亲把那些纸张小心整理成几叠,手指头不停地把一张张纸从一叠移到另一叠,好像遵循着某种特别的次序。她手指的动作让我心安。看着她的手指和变了样的面孔,看着雨水从她身后厨房的茅草屋顶滴到地上,我等着,等她告诉我接下来会怎样。

雨两天没停。母亲盘腿坐在地毯上,雨天光线暗淡,地毯变成了暗橙色。她穿着同一身灰色衣服,不吃不喝。第三天早上,一辆装着喇叭的汽车开过,宣告安德烈斯·帕斯特拉纳·阿朗戈[5]赢得了总统选举。我记得,父亲喜欢称他为嬉皮士候选人。我从母亲的钱包里拿了点钱,上街买些吃的,还跟几个孩子踢了会儿足球。

那天晚上,我把两个芒果、一袋开水放在母亲面前,这时她才重新看见我。她叫我坐在她身边。我们默默坐着。后来,在一片黑暗中,她俯身亲吻我,身上哪个部位离她最近她就吻哪里,膝盖外侧吻了两次,过一会儿又吻两次。然后她叫着我的名字,胡安·帕布洛,她说,我看着她,她说,这件事,你什么也别说,什么也别想,因为你现在是个男人了。我说,妈妈?但她的唯一回答就是我的名字,唱歌似的叫了一遍又一遍,胡安·帕布洛,胡安·帕布洛,胡安·帕布洛

***

每个月,各个镇子都会停电几次,有时一连停好几天。克洛迪娅和我走进神父总部所在的镇子时,整个山腰不再嗡嗡作响,一切变成黑乎乎的一片。在突然袭来的黑暗中,光亮的余影在我视像的边缘舞动,好像落入眼底无处逃逸的记忆。天上没有星星。渐渐地,麦德林城的灯火升起在山脉的黑色线条上方,却被重重云层压住,看上去就像被灰色毯子盖住的手电筒光。

半黑暗中,我们继续向山上爬。幽暗的光亮开始出现,从放在窗台上的蜡烛投射到街上。终于,山坡上一个制高点的情景,说明我们的目的地到了:两个年轻人站在大门外,手持轻型乌兹冲锋枪。隔着老远,我还是能看出是9毫米,弹匣容量为25发。房子是两层的,二楼有个俯瞰山坡的阳台。另一个警卫在阳台上巡逻。几扇暗淡的窗户后面,还有一个警卫的影子在滑动,忽隐忽现。周围,外墙顶上插着形状、颜色各异的碎玻璃,在烛光照射下闪烁发亮。

房子耸立在贫民窟中央,好似一座宫殿。

呆在这里,我对克洛迪娅说。

让我吃惊的是,她并未争辩。我在这里等,她说,然后退到一条巷子的阴影中。

到了大门口,我报上姓名,警卫十分专业地把我全身上下搜了一遍,然后其中一名护送我到房门口。他打开前门,做手势让我进去,自己回到大门口。房子里黑洞洞的,空气闷热,在热天,如果一座房子整天不开窗户,就会给人这样的感觉。房子里还有吸食加可卡因的大麻烟卷后遗留的气味。

你是朗姆,一个女人嗓音从一个角落传来,那里有个三角形光柱斜斜射下来。我看到有人走下几级楼梯,先是尖尖的靴头,紧身牛仔裤,然后是裸露的肚皮,再往后是裹在紧身背心里的乳房,最后是脸和扎起来的头发,在烛光照耀下,全身上下除了白色就是琥珀色。她漂亮极了。

是的。

扎维埃在等你,她说。她径直走到我跟前,握住我的手。她的触摸温暖而光滑,指尖轻轻在我手掌上画出一个圆圈。好一个女孩,我想,她会先割断我的喉咙,然后立刻跟我做爱。

楼上,一组阳台凸窗前放了张硕大的木质写字台,神父就坐在写字台后面。屋里到处是蜡烛——每个平坦的表面,每个窗台上,都放着蜡烛,就像一座教堂。我四周观看,几乎以为就要看到一尊耶稣被钉死在十字架上的雕像。时间是晚上10点,神父身穿西服,衬衫领口敞开着。即使坐着,他也很高,肩膀宽阔,而且,跟传说中一样,肤色很浅;但最引我注意的还是他的头发,编成“玉米垄”式的一排排辫子,就像MTV中的黑人饶舌歌手。我很吃惊。他头发涂了油,一个个发辫紧得像缆绳,发油在烛光下闪闪发亮。

坐下吧,他说。

我向写字台前的一张椅子走去,木地板被压得吱嘎作响。神父正在翻看一些文件。如果不看头发,他就像工作一天之后,正要离开办公室的一位普通商业人士。他的面容看起来有点怪——然后我明白了,他皮肤再白,还是掩不住黑人特有的宽鼻子和厚嘴唇。眼睛也是黑的。我看着烛光在神父的辫子上、白皮肤上、缓缓移动的手上摇曳。他拿起一叠文件在桌子上顿顿,把纸对齐,然后从胸前的口袋中掏出一支钢笔,在最上面一张纸上签字,同时做了个明显表示厌恶的手势。他把钢笔搁到一边,抬起头来看我,目光蛇一般冰冷。

我们终于见面了,他说。

是的。

他两眼瞟了瞟我背后。我记起一走进房间,就有两个人跟在我后面:那个女孩,和另一个拿着步枪、嘴里叼了根大麻烟的警卫。神父又看我。

你知道,朗姆,你永远当不上代理人。他声音很柔和。

因为我太黑?

因为你自以为比老板聪明。

我没开口。

派给你任务,你却拒绝执行。

没找到目标,我静静地说。

他沉默了一会儿。

将军下的命令,一个好战士会绝对服从,而不挑三拣四,对不对?

对的。

他在椅子上转过身,往椅背一靠,朝着凸窗讲话,好像对黑夜发表演讲。我就是你的将军,他说。我得照顾整个部队。如果两个女人打架,我就剃她们光头。如果有人骗我,我一枪打烂他的手。如果一个战士不执行我的命令,或者背叛我……我有什么样的选择?

我看着一只壁虎爬过凸窗顶部的窗框。它停下来,用舌头试着夜晚的空气。神父朝我转过身来,皱起眉头。

你傻柯吸多了,他说。

我听出了话里的侮辱。我早就不吸那东西了,我说。那是小孩子的玩意儿。

桌上蜡烛的热量,蜡油的气味,警卫抽的大麻烟散发出的大麻和可卡因的气味,全混在一起,弄得我的头昏昏沉沉。

你违抗我的命令,他说,我可是你的恩主啊!你违抗我的命令,擅自决定放你的朋友一马。

我没开口。

你知道你的朋友都说了些什么吗?他第一次提高嗓门。你知道什么样的耳朵在听这种话吗?你知道,为了抵消这些话的影响,得花什么样的代价吗?他长长地、缓缓地吸了一口气。这双手给你饭吃,得到的却是你的嘲弄。

我保持沉默。

更糟的是,你让我丢了脸。尊重在哪里?

你可以派别的杀手去做他,我听到自己在说。

你已经告诉他逃命了,我再派人去?

我跟你说了,没找到他。

其实,我已经派泽诺去过了,他说。

我不认识泽诺。听说他很不错。

是的,泽诺是很不错。他噘起厚厚的嘴唇,又松开。他已经完成了任务。两天前。

我嘴里聚集起一滩冰冷的口水。我记起坐在自己对面的是一条毒蛇。我记起赫尔南多有很多招数,可以神不知鬼不觉地离开麦德林城。而且他有四天时间。

是吗?

我不撒谎的,他说,仿佛读到了我的想法。告诉你吧,今天早些时我去看泽诺时,他亲口对我说的。在圣文森特··保罗医院。神父一双黑黑的空洞眼睛紧盯着我,然后说,泽诺因头骨严重开裂住进了医院。

我感到身体变得愈加沉重。我的灵魂又一次出窍,从空中观察自己,像观察陌生人一样。

这事很蹊跷,神父继续说,因为泽诺告诉我,赫尔南多并未抵抗。轻而易举就干掉了。那么,他头上的伤一定是后来造成的。可是,你对此事当然毫不知情啦?

我好不容易才掩饰住惊讶。我瞪着神父,看见的却是硬纸板屋顶下那个黑人的身体,红色油炸圈饼的碎屑和糖衣还粘在嘴唇上。我脑子像快速回放的电影般拼命转着。这么说,他们都知道,我想道,路易斯、克洛迪娅、埃德瓦尔多,全都知道。我当初就不应该躲起来。但我又必须躲起来,好给赫尔南多时间逃走。除了这一切,我还特别想到克洛迪娅,她也知道此事,而且还知道我藏身之处,却决定不告诉我赫尔南多的死。然后我回过神来——神父还在等我开口。

如果你不相信我的能力,我说,我可以离开。我的声音就像脑袋中的一串回声。你可以扣除我这月的工资做补偿。

你真慷慨,胡安。也许我会投桃报李,把工资交给你母亲。

他眼光没离开我。我对他说,我是个战士,你自己也这么说。没必要把我母亲牵扯进来。

我们对视着。隔在我们之间的桌子上,一支粗大的蜡烛被突然刮来的穿堂风吹得噼啪作响,可我们俩谁也没眨一下眼。他的眼睛像两个黑洞洞的水坑。

外面,一口钟在黑暗中敲响。无法再跟他对视,我移开目光。所见之处,尽是烛火。真像在教堂里面,我想,虽说并不记得这么多年来,我进过哪座教堂。我觉得热,有点头晕。我又看神父,徒劳地想记起几句祷告词。万福玛丽亚,满被圣宠者,开头大概是这样吧,再往下,我脑子里就一团糨糊了。我寻思关于神父的故事是不是真的。我寻思他的刀藏在什么地方。我寻思他会叫我转过身去呢,还是会自己走过来站在我身后。

***

在赫尔南多家的后院,我躲在一丛密密的灌木后面观察赫尔南多。他正一边吃饭,一边看报。那是四天前。我的格洛克9毫米手枪子弹已经上膛,随时可以击发。我观察了很久才走进去。看到我,他十分惊讶,脸色凝重,上下打量我手中的枪。最后他站起来拥抱我。

他们派你来的?他静静问道。

我点点头。

那么?

他看着我,如此平静,好像我是一辈子天天和他一起长大的兄弟。他看着我,就像已经知道我会说什么。我寻思,当我站在外面院子里,在温暖、光滑的树叶下面,在半明半暗中调试手枪扳机时,心中所想,他说不定比我还清楚。

我跟你说过的,我说。我跟你说过的。

他微笑了。我的手指握紧了格洛克。我看着他的额头,然后,不由自主垂下手,把枪放到桌子上。

跑吧。

我不敢肯定这话是大声说了出来,还是只在脑子里掠过。

他的笑容凝固了。跑?

神父会派别的人来的。你一定得走。马上。

你怎么办?

我不知道。我从未想到事情会变得这样。我头脑仍然很清醒——执行任务时,我头脑总是清醒的——但面对赫尔南多无比镇静的面容,我发现越来越难保持清醒了。

他问道,你肯定吗?过了一会儿,他皱起眉头,突然说,跟我一起走。

他点点头,好像提建议的不是他而是我,然后又更用力地点点头,一边对自己说,对,对。可去哪儿呀?远远的。海岸一带。北方更好。卡塔赫纳。跟我一起去卡塔赫纳。我们去当渔夫。他大声笑起来。经历了这一切之后!他说。

卡塔赫纳?

对,他说。干吗不?他乐呵呵地说,好像我们又变回了小孩子,好像我们是在一个秘密会合地点,互相吹嘘当天的战绩。

我不行,我说。

你不走,我也不走,他说。我看看他,知道他是认真的。

就在那时,我也明白事情的后果。不错,他是我兄弟,但我并不欠他什么——他知道这一点。我三个月没见过他了。他知道我来自街头帮伙,而且,跟其他帮伙成员一样,并未对他做过任何承诺,也绝无可能背叛上司。他笑了,我看着他笑,他的脸显出童真,我突然看到过去赫尔南多的影子,而就在那一时刻,我明白他已经彻底把那个赫尔南多留在了身后。我记得从前的他,高高的,古铜色皮肤,在山坡上把枪递给我,过后膝盖发软,脸色苍白,而现在,我看他时,眼前又是一张全然不同的脸。处于生命最后时刻的脸我见过许多,要么过分紧张,要么过分松弛,赫尔南多的脸却不同,是宁静的,看不到软弱的迹象,是视死如归的战士的脸——为什么而死,我并不理解——但无论是什么,我都知道不是我应该妨碍的。我要放他走。我想到神父,想到母亲,想到克洛迪娅。我想到卡塔赫纳,想到有多少次,一个人可以重来。过了一会儿,我也开始发笑。

对,他又说。对,对。他停了一下,脸上露出一丝狡猾:克洛迪娅喜欢卡塔赫纳。

渔夫,我说。

对,他点头,咧嘴笑。你记得路易斯怎么描述卡塔赫纳的吗?

我把手抬到嘴边,用指甲敲敲牙齿。赫尔南多又爆发出一阵大笑。我们就像两个喝得醉醺醺的中学女生。我记不记得?我说。讲了40遍,谁还记不得?

***

沉默了好久,神父叹了口气,桌上蜡烛的火头在他呼出的气息下摇动了一下。他皮笑肉不笑地说:

你说得对。你一直是个好战士。

我没开口,头感到发闷,发沉。他往大椅子的椅背上一靠,双手反扣在脖子后。连他腋窝的黑暗部位都好像暗示着暴力。万福玛丽亚,满被圣宠者……

我在你的年纪,他说——说不定还要小些——也曾经不得不杀死朋友。他顿了一下。他的嗓音有所改变,比原先低沉、柔和些。我并没有把你的朋友定为刺杀目标,他说,但我选了你来行刺。

我低着头,不知道该说什么。我提醒自己:当然,我早就知道你是什么样的人了。我想起世界杯的故事,暗自纳闷神父的脸当时是不是也像现在这样,像美国音乐录像片里的黑帮分子。

他继续说着,声音越降越低。他的话在我脑子里变硬,成为深沉的噪音。过后,他说——这是他的话——过后,我学会不再把死亡看得那么重要,而只注重细节。死亡只是一桩交易。一系列事件的后果。

我点头。头越来越沉。他的话把我往下坠。我的身体成了搁在椅子上的一块石头。

就拿我做例子吧,神父说,一边仔细观察我。如果我死掉,你知道随后有多少人会丢掉性命吗?他告诉我一个数字。我不知道他说出来时,是带着骄傲,伤心,还是怀疑。

但我的头脑还有一部分能思考,能想到这事多么不寻常。一条命能拉上那么多人来垫背,而其他那些生命毫不知情。这让我想起从前常跟父母玩的一个木块游戏,推倒一个木块,就能让整个塔坍倒。

神父看我,我回看他。从一团乱麻的思绪中,我终于悟出点道理,虽说结果并不能令我满意。你不是赫尔南多,一个声音在我脑中说,那一刻,我知道事实确实如此。然后另一个声音说,你不是神父。这声音响起时,我看着神父——坐在我面前,一头油光光玉米垄辫子的这个人,在这个到处是蜡烛的温暖房间里——我看着他,这个活生生的人,他独揽生杀大权,决不肯与任何人分享。

我明白,我说。

你一直是个好战士,他又一次说,深深吸了口气。但是,你知道无法再干下去了吧?

我知道。

我要收回武器。

当然。

我会派妲米塔去告诉在巷子里等你的那位朋友。她知道武器在哪儿吧?

我顿了一下。万福玛丽亚。然后我说,我得亲口跟我朋友讲,否则她不会干的。

他不动声色地望着我。

武器在我们的秘密会合地点,我补充道。

他想了一会儿,然后点点头。好吧,跟妲米塔一起去吧。一会儿回来,咱们喝一杯。

走进前院,还没到大门口时,妲米塔说,他喜欢你。

我笑了一两声,这是我今晚头一次笑。空气中有股清凉气息,使我的头脑清醒了许多。就要结束了,我告诉自己。

真的,他喜欢你。我看得出来。头一回,他总是那样。她瞟了我一眼。她的面孔属于人们会放到光鲜杂志封面上那种。我头一回见他时,哎,听他那同一套说教!如果两个女人打架,我会剃她们光头,她学着说,然后放声大笑,她的笑声仿佛一掷而出,让我想到熊熊烈焰顶端往夜空蹿升的火星。

她在大门口停下脚步,跟站岗的警卫一起抽烟。站在我能看到你的地方,她说,一边对我挥挥手,好像刚下校车的女学生。

起先我看不到克洛迪娅,过了一会儿才听到对面巷子她嘶哑的低语。

出来吧,我说。他们知道你在这儿。

她只肯走到街角,额头和膝盖在街灯照射下泛着白光。我走过去。她皱着眉头,像在生气。

他放你走了?

我不知道,我说。她哭起来——我这才意识到,这是头一回看见她哭。连她母亲自杀时,我都没见她哭成这样。她显得好软弱。

赫尔南多死了,我说。我必须逼着自己说出来,而不是问她。

我知道。

我想了片刻。那么,我说,告诉路易斯我谢谢他。谢谢他安排了今天的事。

她点点头。

他知道你一定想报仇。但是,她说,路易斯觉得,假如你正在躲藏,还没得知此事,那最好不要告诉你,因为没必要——

接下来的话很明显,克洛迪娅打住了。每个人都知道,我又想。但我一点不觉得气恼。

神父知道你在这儿,我说。他要你去会合点把枪支取回来。

她又点点头。

我不想看她哭泣的脸。我看着她身后,半明半暗处,隐约现出一条沟渠的轮廓,岸上堆着垃圾,严严实实的,硬得像石头。我似乎看见一个孩童的面孔出现在一支蜡烛后面,然后又消失了。天空好像越来越低,压向地面。

我母亲,我说。

别担心,她说。我会把她带走。

我转过身面对她。仇杀几个星期都完不了。

她又点头。这时,一种奇怪的表情掠过她的脸,她窄窄的肩膀突然歪到我身上,牙齿在我嘴唇上刮着。我尴尬极了。我想回吻她,嘴唇却不听使唤。她嘴贴在我耳朵上,说着什么。她在说什么,但我听不明白,我努力想听清,却记不起她的声音是什么样的。好不容易,我才回复自我。

她在说,拿着这个。她把一样东西塞到我手里,然后把着我的手放到我口袋里。硬硬的,凉凉的,苹果形状。是佩德罗的手榴弹。我不敢朝下看。

你感觉怎样?第二次了,今晚她这样问我。她还小声笑了一下。

我不知道该说什么。难道我能说,我吓得屁滚尿流?难道我能说,也许我挺高兴?

你一定吓坏了,她说。

她的左手还握着我的手,发着抖。这可是克洛迪娅啊,我想,我认识的人里面,她的手是最稳的。我又看她,在她眼睛里,我看到一扇窗户,映衬着她母亲的尸体,我突然想,她母亲从窗口那么一跳,似乎很容易啊,虽说照她的本意,也许并不想死得那么难看。

没错,我对她撒谎。没错,我是吓坏了。

我回头望望房子,从妲米塔的姿势看,烟已经抽完,跟警卫该聊的都聊完了,外面很冷,她急着等我回去。灰暗的云层下面,烛光闪烁的房子给人神圣之感,从云层下面露出来的月亮,看起来像一个硕大无比的黄色磁铁。

我指头摩挲着口袋里冰凉的金属。我得走了,我说。

克洛迪娅再次拥抱我,手指头紧紧扣在我肋骨上,呼吸急促。告诉他你永远不回来了。告诉他可以对你放心。她说得很平静,但我能感到她话语后面的压力。

好,我说。但你得先把枪取来。

她不肯放开我。

我讨厌这鬼地方,她说,一边在我肩膀上揩眼睛。我们一起走。你母亲也走。

我母亲,我说。

我抬头看房子,房子高耸在黑暗中,烛光闪耀。克洛迪娅紧贴在我胸口。她的身体比我记得的任何时候都温暖。妲米塔从大门口朝我们这边看,我松开克洛迪娅,往后退了一步,再看她时,好像隔了距离,越来越远。她显得软弱,渺小,孤独。我迫使自己不朝她看。

你一定要拿到枪,我说。

他会让你走的。

她努力让声音平静了下来。我对她微笑。他会让我走的,我对她说。

这回警卫没搜我身。到了前门,妲米塔一只手臂搭在我胳膊上,领我进去。走上楼梯时,她屁股老碰我,裸露的肚皮在斜射的光线下晃动、变长。神父在凸窗后面,站在阳台上往外看。他打手势让我过去。

从阳台上看,房子的光亮使山边显得更黑暗。我们默不做声地站着——神父、我,还有个一动不动站在远处栏杆旁的警卫。眼睛逐渐适应光线后,我看到远处朦胧的一团团亮光。

神父用一只手迅速打了个手势。我转过身:又一个警卫,手持乌兹冲锋枪,正朝我跑来。我在口袋里摸索手榴弹皮革似的外壳;保险环找到了。

比巴苏克还好,神父说。他继续看外面山坡。警卫跑到跟前,我才看清他手上拿的不是冲锋枪,而是一根大麻烟卷。神父接过烟卷,猛抽一口,然后递给我。

我说不出话,只好点头,一边松开扣在手榴弹保险环上的指头。我吸着,烟进入身体,向四面八方扩散,越渗越深,无止无休。

纯净多了吧,是不是?

他在微笑,好一个可亲的主人。在侧射的光线中,我第一次注意到他面颊的松弛。他编成辫子的头发显得湿漉漉的。我们站在阳台上,观看黑黢黢的镇子。烛光照耀下,墙顶上的玻璃碴子反射出五颜六色的光彩,煞是好看。有一会儿工夫,我想象房子是一艘船,顶着风,漂浮在寂静的大海上。这想法使我平静下来,虽说有点奇怪,因为我一辈子没见过大海;我回想起那些夜晚,我站在母亲后窗外面的卵石院子里,看她睡觉,脸上的妆还没卸;或者,看她在以为没人注意时用烈酒伴着药喝下去,或者,看她从热气腾腾的浴室出来,双手拢着头发,披一条毛巾,做一个不经意的迅速动作。看她那样,总能使我心情平静。

神父说了句什么。我的思想像口黑洞洞的深井,他的话音落到里面,不断分裂成一个个碎片。我们走吧,他在说。我们走吧,我得弄点东西暖暖肚子。

我看着他微笑的脸,两只黑月亮似的眼睛。

来吧,他说。我有个专门用来喝酒的房间。我们可以在那里等你的朋友。

阳台上的两个警卫没动。

让我们为你的离去干杯,神父说。我听说你喜欢喝酒。他迈步往屋里走。你打算去哪里?决定了吗?

我不知道,我说。也许,去卡塔赫纳。

卡塔赫纳,他重复道。然后他招招手,两个警卫并排站到我身后。卡塔赫纳,我想道,赫尔南多在那里等我。即使此刻,在最后时光,我们还是紧密相连。我可以感觉到克洛迪娅的牙齿,她干燥的嘴唇贴着我的嘴。我在口袋里转动手榴弹——万福玛丽亚,我想——我的手掌汗津津的——终于,我用拇指牢牢顶住保险柄,中指穿过保险环,往外使劲一拉。保险环脱了。神父回头看我,又微笑。

那么,他问道,你去过那里吗?

紧紧摁住保险柄,我跟着恩主走进房子。第三个警卫打开主办公室的一扇门,先走进去。里面没有烛光。神父接着走进去,我跟着他,好像走进深深的洞穴,两个警卫尽职地跟在后面。妲米塔的香水在黑暗中散发出浓烈的气味。我前面什么地方,神父的声音再次响起,他还在问卡塔赫纳,这回我答道,没有,没去过。我潮湿的拇指摁在保险柄上,有点不稳。答话时,我终于回想起曾经在脑海中想象过无数次的一幅画面。路易斯坐在老旧的殖民时期墙上,面朝大海。太阳升起时,他说,可以看到十条黑线,通向钢灰色的海水,每条线之间相隔大约20米,当海水变成橙色,然后变成红色,就可以看清,每条线包含许多小小的黑色形状,它们从水里往外移动,协调一致,动作整齐,然后,等太阳在右边天空升得更高,就可以看清,每个黑色形状是一个人,一共有好几百,从海里往回拉一张硕大无比的渔网,缓缓地,一步,又一步。

 

 

原文《Cartagena》于2007年发表在《A Public Space》第2期。中文版经作者授权,黄秀铭翻译。



[1] 译注:basuco,[哥伦比亚方言]加入了可卡因、大麻及其他物质的香烟。又,轩乐女士为本文中出现的西班牙词语提供了翻译帮助,特此致谢。

[2] 译注:FARC成立于1964年,原为哥伦比亚共产党下属的军事机构,上世纪80年代由于从事毒品交易,脱离共产党成为独立组织。哥国境内组织最大、装备最完善战斗力最的游击队。

[3] 译注:sacol,一种工业黏胶,当地有些穷人当成毒品来吸。

[4] 译注:Medellín,哥伦比亚第二大城,安蒂奥基亚省首府。曾因臭名昭著的麦德林贩毒集团和居高不下的犯罪率成为世界上最不安全的城市。 [5] 译注:Andrés Pastrana Arango1954年生于波哥大,哥伦比亚前总统(19701974)米萨埃尔·帕斯特拉纳之子,19985月参加大选,6月在第二轮总统选举中当选,87日就任总统

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